Sometimes a credit card company will offer you what they call a big deal on your purchases. You could earn 3 percent back on gasoline purchases, which is great until you actually do the math and discover that you’re getting three cents back for every dollar you spend. Three measly cents. Alert me if you can find something today that I can purchase for three measly cents. I’ll wait.
The latest little “plan that really isn’t a plan” from my credit card company is the offer to “flex pay” what I purchase. I could spread my bill out over a period of months, and lower the amount owed over time, they say.
Yeah, right. I tried this a few times, and at the end of the day I had three expensive purchases that I spread out over a period of twelve months. Okay, fine.
A few weeks ago, I came into a decent sum of money when someone FINALLY paid me some money I was owed. Great. Let’s see if I can eliminate these niddling Flex Pay rotating charges and take them off my account.
Now for the benefit of expediency, I’m going to refer to the amount owed by the generic term of “applies.” I owed twelve apples on one purchase, eight apples on another purchase, and nine apples on a third. By this time, I was down to six apples owed on the first purchase, two apples owed on the second purchase, and three apples owed on the third, with an apple per purchase paid each month on that flex plan.
I wanted to eliminate all three flexes, possibly pay offering the credit card a decent-sized bushel of apples.
I called the credit card company. The credit card company tried to force my call into some auto-generated digital conduit. Nuh-uh. I am a human, I want to TALK to a human.
After 25 minutes of this pas de deux, I finally reached someone. And after I explained what I wanted to do (pay off at least one of the flex pay accounts), he read back what sounded like lines from a script, and then told me if I paid two apples today, I would pay off that flex pay account completely.
Fine and dandy. I contacted my bank and set up an immediate transfer of two apples, plus a few extra cherries just in case.
I then called the credit card company back to alert them of this incoming payment.
After yet ANOTHER 25 minutes of bouncing around their digital phone jail … I finally reached someone. I explained the situation and that the money was on its way.
“Did they tell you you could pay it off this way?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Oh.”
That’s right. He said “Oh.” That’s NEVER a good sign.
“I don’t know if you’re aware, Mr. Miller, but you can’t pay off those flex pay accounts unless you have a zero balance on the rest of your credit card first.”
Wait, so are you telling me I can’t designate my payment to a certain portion of my credit card to eliminate one of the flex pay rotating charges?
“No, not unless you pay off the rest of your credit card first.”
So I just donated two apples and some cherries based on what I was told by your representative, and now I’m finding out that your representative essentially made up some bullshit to take more of my money? What in the name of Bennie Beancounter is going on here?
“Well, thank you for making the additional payment,” the representative said to me. “Is there anything else you would like to do today?”
Oh, you bet I do. I want to issue a formal complaint. I was told that if I did A, I would receive B. I did A, and now B ain’t happening. This needs to be addressed.
“I see. Well, I can have the audio tapes reviewed by our customer service department to address this situation.”
Fine.
A couple of days later, I called the credit card company again. Another 30 minutes of phone jail. Finally reached someone. “Did they ever resolve this issue regarding that payment?” I asked.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Miller, but that is an internal matter and we are not allowed to discuss that with you.”
Why not?
“It’s an internal matter and not something that we can disclose outside of the company.”
“So you’re telling me that, for all I know, your credit card company simply told me they would address this situation just to pat me on the head and send me away?”
“I’m sorry that you’re disappointed, but there’s really nothing we can do for you at this point in time.”
Wow. Your customer service rep tells me one thing, I do it, then I find out that that rep didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground, and any complaints I have regarding this have essentially landed in the circular file next to the water cooler?
Got it. Clearly understood.
Apparently this is now the new normal with credit card companies in the age of Trump. Promise one thing and deliver another. Hide little caveats in the fine print, and outsource all human contact to the point where I have to learn Telegu to have a decent conversation.
And don’t give me this chickenshit about how I’m such a valued customer to you. The only thing you value is when I make my payments to you. As far as you’re concerned, I’m nameless, faceless, and worthless.
Now someone could say to me, “Well, why don’t you just cancel the credit card outright?”
Don’t think for a moment that I haven’t looked into that option. But here’s the thing. I’m 61 years old, and will turn 62 in about a month and a half. Credit card companies are reticent against opening new accounts for soon-to-be senior citizens, and the ones that WILL open an account are the kind of companies that offer usurious interest rates and numerous transaction and deduction fees. And with the growing and sickening trend of places not taking cash for transactions, I’m running out of effective options for my shopping or business. So these credit cards are a necessary evil. That’s right. They’re NECESSARY and they’re EVIL.
And not two days after I went around the prune bush with this credit card company … they cold-emailed me and asked if I wanted to put any of my current outstanding purchases on a new flex pay plan.
Bro. Do NOT push me. Sears learned that about me 15 years ago.
And the only reason I haven’t mentioned that credit card company by name in today’s blog …
Is because I haven’t yet reached for the scissors.
But I know what drawer I put them in, and I can institute my own little “flex pay” to this card if I so choose.
Eleventh commandment. Thou shalt not fuck with Chuck Miller’s finances. So it shall be written. So it shall be done.
Chuck The Writer 